Aff The Smokes

I stopped smoking at the weekend there and am holding out reasonably well. The cravings are worst first thing in the morning and at lunchtime. I’m getting by with the help of a couple bits of nicotine gum a day.

I stopped because my 2 year old daughter told me she wanted to smoke, after I had come in from having a snout outside. So I chucked all my smoking paraphernalia in the bin pretty much there and then.

I’m noticing quite a lot of changes already. I’m eating a bit more to compensate, so that’s a worry but I’m generally getting by with the aid of much more coffee than usual. I’m coughing less and can run and do stuff longer already, which is pretty amazing. I’m finding my skin isn’t as dry and I’m much less tired at night.

So I feel much better physically and haven’t been too tortured mentally, which is a surprise really.

That’s not to say I wouldn’t kill everybody I know for one drag of a sweet, sweet ciggy.

It Gets a Little Bluu

My friend Charlotte made her first steps into stand-up comedy last night at Bluu in the Trongate. I had every confidence that she’d be funny and of course I wasn’t wrong.

As it was the culmination of a stand-up comedy workshop all the acts were doing it for the first time. Charlotte was on last and was easily the funniest act of the night.

Her impressive breast size was the obvious place to start her routine and the problems they cause her with dating, doctors and sitting at the traffic lights.

If she wants to carry on with this comedy lark, I have no doubts she’ll be quite successful.

As for the others, I had been holding out for some mental cases, cos there usually are at these things, but alas there were none. Even the guy whose face looked like a Groucho Marx mask and the girl who decked herself out in green with pink ribbons all about her, even they were sane.

Stan Kubrick - Photo

Here’s an article from Saturday’s Guardian about Stanley Kubrick, his early career as a photographer and the retrospective book that's just came out.

From Writer/Director...

I meant to write about this the other week there, but I see that Gothamist too are as puzzled as I am. The trailer for the latest Woody Allen film Match Point is frankly odd. It’s odd in the sense that it’s pitched as some sort of Fatal Attraction style love triangle rather than the breezy romantic comedies that we’ve gotten used to.

After a couple of shots I thought “Scarlett Johansson, Jonathan Rhys-Myers…hey this is the new Woody Allen film…what the fuck?” Then wondered what’s with the suspenseful music? The lack of any suggestion of comedy? Then I wondered if Woody’s name would appear in the trailer. It did in a ‘From writer/director Woody Allen’ at the end.

Dreamworks are now bankrolling the Woodster’s movies and for this one they seem to have gone all out to capture a new audience. If it wasn’t a Woody Allen film I for one would have no interest in seeing it based on the trailer.

Woody hasn’t done a ‘serious’ film for several years and when he does they tend not to be among my favourites.

It’s released here in January. I think we’ve mentioned the predictability of Woody Allen film reviews before and when it comes out I’ll try to find two quotes. One with something in the vein of ‘A return to form’ and another saying it’s not a patch on his earlier works.

I wonder though if it will see an increase in audience figures with non-Woody fans being attracted through the young doomed love affair angle.

You Can Taste The Hope

Our utterly insane work colleague Landry has posted an interview he conducted with himself on his website.

In it he makes reference to cow wrestling, a sport we, his colleagues, made up for a laugh. Graeme, the main instigator behind our rather infantile larking, has convinced Landry that he was “all province” cow wrestling champion at school and that he could have gone pro.

He has also convinced Landry that “wrestled beef” is available in the shops and that it is better than meat from slaughtered cows “because you can taste the hope.”

By the way, can I qualify what I've said above by saying that I think Landry is a brilliant guy. He's just really good for laugh because he has a pretty whacky approach to life. Some might even call him a Bohemian...

Radiance

As I'm sure most of you will know, the weekend in Glasgow saw the Radiance festival, where much of the city centre was lit up.

The photographs here are my feeble efforts at illustrating the bright lights of the city. The first one is of the reindeer which make up one of the numerous Christmas displays in George Square.

And the other picture is of a building at the corner of Glassford Street that had lights projected alternatively onto each side of it. I think they were pictures of balloons.

View a load of photographs of buildings in Glasgow lit up this weekend for Radiance as a slideshow or simply click through them.

Photos of Fannies

Here's a set of photographs of Teenage Fanclub from Friday night's show.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Tonight I went to see Kiss Kiss Bang Bang and the Tom verdict is - it was tremendous. The directorial debut of the creator of Lethal Weapon, Shane Black this is the film that you'd expect from him when he's been allowed free reign.

Black is something of a maverick in the movie business. He became famous for the massive cheques he picked up for his screenplays, which weren't always made the way he would have wanted. Mel Gibson's Riggs dies in his original draft of Lethal Weapon 2 for example. So when he got the chance to make a movie his way it was never going to be conventional.

It's all done with a knowing wink to the audience. 'Hey this is a movie and you know what? It's a daft movie." Robert Downey Jr and Val Kilmer make a surprisingly excellent pairing. The action rolls along at a cracking pace and the dialogue and knowing nods to movie conventions make it gripping stuff.

There are several hilarious set pieces including one death that had the audience I was in laughing for about 5 minutes as well as a gag on a movie cliche at the end that had me howling.

If you've not yet seen it, get yourself along to the cinema now.

Here's an interview with Shane Black about the film and his career.

Two in One

Last night Nicola and I juggled two gigs at the ABC. It was the first time either of us had been there and it's a pretty good venue. We started off in the ABC2, which is a really impressive wee room. It holds 350 and it's wider than it is long, so it makes for a quite intimate space.

We were there to see The Wolf Parade who were the opening act. They were easily the best band I've seen since Arcade Fire. They played most of the stuff from Apologies to the Queen Mary opening up with It's a Curse and ending on a rocking version of I'll Believe in Anything. With two vocalists one of them on keyboards and a 'sound manipulator' they're not the average dirty rock band. Hopefully next year they'll be back with a tour of their own. Here is an interview with them. And here's some more live photographs of them from another show.

We then stayed downstairs to see a bit of Black Mountain. I thought they were all right, but I think Nicola appreciated them more than I did.

We then went upstairs to the 1250 capacity ABC main stage to see Teenage Fanclub. They ran through pretty much a greatest hits set, with I Need Direction, Hang On, Don't Look Back, Sparky's Dream, Ain't That Enough, Take the Long Way Round, Your Love is the Place Where I Come From, The Concept and It's All In My Mind among the highlights.

We were stood around the Glasgow Rock Royalty, or TFC's mates. Former drummer Brendan O'Hare, Stephen Pastel and Eugene Kelly.

It was a really enjoyable show, I guess the Fannies don't have to work too hard when they play Glasgow as they'll always be met by an enthusastic crowd. That's not to take away from an excellent set though.

I think this was the fourth time I've seen them, but the first time I've seen them in their own headlining show. I first saw them 15 years ago(!) when they supported The Soup Dragons (remember them?) at what was then known as The Mayfair on Sauchiehall Street. I later saw them supporting My Bloody Valentine at the Barrowland in 1991, where my mate Gary accosted Gerry Love on the stairs on the way out and told him to "Get rid of Norman man, he's holding youse back." The last time I saw them was I think at T in the Park in 1994.

Below are some more photographs that I snapped with my cameraphone. And here's a set of TFC photos from earlier this month.

Bestie

Most of the TV tributes to George Best are calling him 'the greatest player of his generation' and 'the best ever'. It's difficult to argue against, should you want to. Best had it all and nowadays we rarely see a player even attempt the things that he could do with ease.

There was never enough players on the park for Best to beat and if a defender wanted to get up off the deck and try to tackle him again, he was happy to wait for him to get to his feet, then beat him again.

I always enjoyed watching old footage of Best, on muddy pitches that wouldn't even pass muster on a council field, shimming past one defenders desperate lunge, then another's, before slotting the ball home. He was what wanting to be a football player was all about. When you played in the street that was the way you wanted to play the game. For all his individuality he was still a team player and helped Manchester United to their greatest success in the 1968 European Cup Final. Showing that Celtic's win of the previous year was no fluke and that the Southern European sides' dominance was at an end.

But the thing with football is that when your playing days are over you still have to live your life in the public eye and do so without a clear indication of what you're going to do next. Best was never going to make a manager and therefore never really found a niche to sit in comfortably. He became as famous for his lifestyle as for his football skills, but today the latter is what everyone is focused on.

You can say that he chucked away his talents, leaving Manchester United as he did at 26, you can say that he was unfortunate to play in an international side where the only truly outstanding outfield player was himself, but the thing about George Best was that he lived his life the way he wanted to live it.

Here are his complete career statistics. He played in the days when it was commonplace to head over to play in the US in the British close season.

1946: Born 22 May
Man Utd 1963-73: 466 games 178 goals
Stockport County 1975: 3 games 2 goals
Cork Celtic 1975-76: 3 games 0 goals
LA Aztecs 1976: 24 games 15 goals
Fulham 1976-77: 37 games 8 goals
LA Aztecs 1977: 25 games 13 goals
Fulham 1977: 10 games 2 goals
LA Aztecs 1978: 12 games 1 goal
Fort Lauderdale 1979: 14 games 5 goals
Hibernian 1979-80: 16 games 3 goals
Fort Lauderdale 1980: 19 games 2 goals
Hibernian 1980: 6 games 0 goals
San Jose 1981-82: 56 games 21 goals
AFC Bournemouth 1983: 5 games 0 goals
Brisbane Lions 1983: 4 games 0 goals

George Best 1946 - 2005

George Best was the most gifted footballer ever to come out of the British Isles.

He began his senior playing career at Manchester United in 1963 and won two league championships with the club and was a major factor in their 1968 European Cup triumph.

He was named European Footballer of the Year and Football Writers' Association Player of the Year in 1968.

He played 466 times for United, scoring 178 goals from the wing. He famously scored a double hat-trick against Northampton Town in an FA Cup match.

He also won 37 caps for Northern Ireland, scoring 9 times.

His playing career also included stints at Fulham (76-77), Stockport County, Hibernian and US soccer teams L.A. Aztecs (1976-78) Fort Lauderdale Strikers (78-79) and San Jose Earthquakes (80-81).

After his retirement from playing, he took to the after-dinner and talk show circuits with friends Rodney Marsh and Denis Law, where his ready Irish wit made him a popular and engaging guest, most of the time.

A chronic alcoholic, he eventually succumbed to the effects of alcohol in 2005. His son Callum and father Dickie were at his bedside.

Half Man Half Biscuit @ the Arches

Last night Nicola and I went to see Half Man Half Biscuit at the Arches. It was a decent show, but was really one for the diehards.

After being around for 20 odd years and never being anything more than a cult hit, the fans they have, they've had for years and they're quite fervent. Nicola did complain at one point of being surrounded by nothing but middle aged men.

They kicked off with Fred Titmus and among their set was Wrong Grave for 23 Years and Joy Division Oven Gloves, the highlight for me was probably Paintball's Coming Home. But no, they didn't play The Ballad of Climie Fisher.

"Here's a Marshall; Here's a Strat"

Here’s an article from the Village Voice about the 30th anniversary of Patti Smith’s seminal album ‘Horses’

Working an Angle

This is a brilliant story about how prosecutors used the Pythagorean Theorem to convict a drug dealer in New York. Ah lawyers, what would the world be like without lawyers?

Lots To Talk About Today

First of all, well done to Rangers for not getting humped last night as pretty much everyone had predicted.

It was a gutsy performance and to me, was the first time Alec McLeish has made late substitutions in a European match that had a significant impact. Our goal was well crafted and well taken with two young Scots involved.

Surely Eck will start both Ross McCormack and Chris Burke on Sunday against Hibs in another must win game.

Despite doing fairly well in Europe this season, Rangers could still fall 11 points behind Hibs (and the last European spot) with a defeat in the next game, which would make the managers position untenable. A truly odd season so far for Bears fans.

I also noticed fire-raising pyro-peer “Lord” Watson in the Record this morning, talking about life in the stony lonesome.

He’s phoned up the record to tell Scotland that “I'm quietly doing the time for my crime”. No shit; that’s the headline. Fuck knows what paper he’d have phoned up if he’d wanted to do his time less than quietly.

He comments on the “great team spirit” among fellow lags and has apparently landed the “plum” job of dishing out slops in the kitchen. He never said whether or not he’s been bum raped yet.

Anyway, here’s one for the “You know what really grinds my gears?” section.

The NHS are starting to refuse hip and knee replacement operations to the obese, which accounts for over ¼ of the population. The reason – “they brought their health problems on themselves”.

And so sounds the death knell for universal health care.

It’s not even a logical argument.

I’m playing football tonight so if I break my leg shoud I be denied treatment on the grounds that “I brought it on myself”? What about some fanny who gets stabbed after starting a fight while pished? Where has this ridiculous criteria suddenly emerged from?

The arrogance of this rationing criteria is simply staggering and seems to me to have been dreamed up by blithering incompetents in a bid to hide the fact that the Government and NHS administrators are unable to efficiently conduct NHS affairs.

What are we paying these people for? Why bother paying taxes and national insurance for a health service that is looking for excuses to tell you to fuck off and a pensions system that is about to tell you to work an extra five years in order to qualify for a breadline pittance should you survive that long?

It’s bad enough that this truly terrible Government and almost every NHS Trust in the country are making us pay for the fact that they just can’t cut it.

But I find the condescending, sneering arrogance of these people and the arbitrary, illogical manner in which they treat the people who pay for their swanky lifestyles truly sickening.

And that’s what really grinds my gears today. Here’s Tom with the weather.

One Neck Exhibits

Iain AKA One Neck (pictured right)is getting his work out there these days. He is soon to appear in the London based fanzines, The Quiet Feather, Greenwich Pirate and 15 Minutes.

He also has his work in an exhibition, Protest against the Rising Tide of Conformity Friday 25th November @ Flesh Design, 7 Barclay Terrace, Bruntsfield, Edinburgh. So go along and enjoy it if you can. Iain will be there in the corner avoiding anyone wishing to heap praise upon him.

The exhibition also features some stuff by his mate Brian. Check out his site here.

Seinfeld Seasons 5 & 6

All right, so Seinfeld seasons 5 & 6 are out in America already and arrive on these shores on Monday. This means that Jerry and the rest of them are making their way around the TV shows making sure everyone is aware that the DVDs are out there.

Here’s Jerry in an interview with NBC. You can play the video.

A little bit on the animated short versions of episodes that are on the DVD.

And here's all four of them being interviewed.

Here’s Jerry getting an award from HBO on Saturday.

In Seinfeld related news, a guy called Allen Salkin has written a book called Festivus a Holiday for the Rest of us.

Meet the Whinging Dick

Here’s some good news to start the day off with, Meet the Magoons is not being recommissioned by Channel Four. Hurray! Now I no longer have to watch this show wondering what on earth made someone think it was funny enough to be made.

I did want to like it, it was based in Scotland, in fact their curry shop is actually in Clydebank and I was hoping that it would be good or at least promising. But when I watched it I realised quite quickly that it was miles off being funny.

It had no proper characterisation, no plots or storylines to speak of, far too much needless swearing and at its core one very smug writer.

Now that I’m actually at the fag end of show business these things wind me up more than they did previously.

Hardeep Singh Kohli made a lot of noise in every magazine, newspaper and chat show that would speak to him about how funny he was and how funny his show was. He made a lot of noise about how he was marginalised as an Asian by television and society and he also slagged off Scotland (from his home in London) about how he was ‘not allowed to be a flamboyant Indian in Glasgow’. (Not arguing that he didn’t suffer racist abuse, but Glasgow very rarely lets you be a flamboyant anything.)

Here’s what he said in The Sunday Times about Scotland when he was promoting that poor excuse for a comedy.

"The situation in Scotland is terrible. That’s one of the reasons I would never live here again. The street abuse is shocking. It’s a daily event. You are not allowed to be a flamboyant Indian. Neds shout abuse, people laugh at you and you always get funny looks. I don’t want my kids growing up in a country where I think there’s still so much racism.

I’m fed up with the myth that Scotland is warm and welcoming to everyone, that there’s no racism in Scotland."

Anyway now that he’s been forced to savour the news that his show just isnae funny, he’s accused Channel Four of being anti-Scottish.

“Even your daft punter on the street knows new comedy takes time to bed in.”

Nothing like having respect for your audience eh? Channel Four haven’t even officially gave the word that Meet the Magoons has been ditched.

I’m sick of this guy whinging every time something doesn’t go his way. From sitting back and bigging himself up over his pish excuse for a comedy show and taking potshots at Scotland and the attitude of TV producers who maraginalised him because he was Asian, when he thought he’d made it, to greeting now about how “there’s a lack of diversity on the channel.” Well there was a lack of funny when your show was on.

No, Channel Four don’t have too many Scottish based comedy shows on. They also don’t have too many good ones. I remember the Friday nights where you could watch decent imports like Spin City and Friends (when it wasn’t being repeated for the umpteenth time) followed by homegrown stuff like Spaced and Armstrong and Miller.

As for Scottish comedy on Channel Four I remember My Dead Dad.

It’s fuck all to do with you being Scottish it’s cos you have no clue how to assemble a half hour’s worth of comedy. Ya fanny.

Save the Cameo

When I lived in Edinburgh one of the places I enjoyed going to was the Cameo cinema. Opening originally in 1914 and undergoing a refit and name change in 1949 it is now under threat. There are proposals to turn the main cinema into a bar and convert the current bar into a cinema screen.

Have a look at the Save the Cameo site for more information.

Although nowadays I mainly go to the big monster of Cineworld for my movies, being hooked in of course with their unlimited films offer, I did always enjoy visiting one of the art house cinemas in the Capital.

The monthly midnight mystery movie was always good fun, where they would put a clue to the film up every week and the ticket price would rise with each clue from £1 to £4. The film was generally always a new movie prior to release. Films always seem better when you get to see them early.

There was a regular double bill on a Sunday, usually of older films, which we always resolved to go to, but never did. They probably still do these, but I haven’t been for years, although I did look in when I passed recently.

Among my Cameo memories are seeing Michael Winterbottom’s I Want You at the film festival where the star, a sheepish looking Allesandro Navarro was introduced to the handful of people that made up the audience.

Peter Mullan providing an entertaining Q & A after a screening of Orphans. Seeing American Movie in Cameo 2 and having to explain to our friend Simon afterwards that it was in actual fact a documentary “You mean that was real?!”

When the mystery movie was The Big Lebowski; seeing The Thin Red Line and hearing that Stanley Kubrick had just died; seeing The Full Monty on a date; a bunch of us not telling George what Todd Solonz’s Happiness was all about, leaving him to nod off and then wake right at the worst part and a packed house roaring along with Being John Malkovich.

The Thatcher Years Graph

It was fifteen years ago today that Margaret Thatcher resigned from office. On the BBC website you can see the Thatcher years in graph format.

Here you can do things like compare champagne imports to coal production (see right) and unemployment to strike action.

Today also marks the 42nd anniversary of JFK’s assassination.

Been There

The Guardian have launched a service called ‘Been There’ where readers can put in their hints and tips about places they’ve been.

From bars and restaurants to hotels and museums you can post recommendations and comment on those others have left. You can also add photographs to their photo gallery.

At the moment Glasgow only has 5 tips and Edinburgh 18. Perhaps the ‘Pish readers can increase that by adding in their own hotspots.

The photograph is of the German Market that is in St Enoch square until Christmas Eve.

Festival of Bullshit

If there’s one thing that annoys the shit out of me, it’s talentless fucks horning in on other people’s creativity to make a buck.

Agents, managers whatever you want to call them, the world is filled with a huge tranche of pointless middlemen who exist for no good reason.

Take our show for example. We provided the Glasgow International Comedy Festival with two sold out well received shows last year.

Punters, venue and promoter (for want of a better description) all happy. Our reward? We now have to pay for a listing in this years festival brochure, simply because some greedy bastard fancied his pockets lined even more with cash that should be going to the people who actually put bums on seats.

It’s fucking sickening. Tommy Shepherd, who runs The Stand Comedy Club has begun the process of turning the festival into a racket for himself. By insisting on a fee, he is basically taxing the very people he relies on to make a living. It’s like something from Menace II Society or Goodfellas.

Of course, it’s to “cover costs”. Pish. Costs aren’t covered by the dozens of sold-out shows he’ll be putting on? Costs aren’t covered by the sponsorship plastered all over the festival? You think ma heed buttons up the fucking back? Do me a fucking favour.

Now I’m hearing that we aren’t allowed to put a web link on the listing, and haven’t had an explanation as to why. So we’re being hosed AND being told how we’re getting it.

It’s going to cost us £75 to get listed for the upcoming festival which we can afford, but what about the new show, the un-established show, the show put on by folk on the Breu?

Aside from the fact that this fee basically amounts to stealing from comedy acts, it also serves to put grass roots acts off getting involved; exactly the intention I suspect.

Shepherd and his cronies are preparing to turn the festival into an anodyne, slick, big name filled cash cow, deliberately shutting out new, smaller, less mainstream acts thus divesting the event of its original meaning and any real value.

I personally feel we should refuse to pay it. Of course, I will be in a tiny minority. Most comedy acts see bullshit like this as part of the game. But it doesn’t have to be if enough of us tell these pointless fucks to gets their hands out of our pockets.

Friday Night Glue

I think most of our readers attended You Owe Me Glue on Friday night. You can post your thoughts in the comments section, but for me and I think Fizz too it was quite a lack lustre show.

The attendance was smaller than last time, although in the small venue of Blackfriars it was reasonably packed. Some of the laughs came in unexpected places and some of the sketches that would previously have been considered bankers fell a bit flat.

Personally I don't think I worked on this one anywhere near as hard as I could have. From writing to production to acting I could have given a lot more. And I resolve to in the future.

The photograph that illustrates this post doesn't appear to represent the show every well, but it was the only one I took on Friday night.

This was the last YOMG of the year. We'll be back sometime in January, probably the last Friday in Blackfriars for the first of our monthly shows there, with hopefully a whole load of new stuff. We're then on at East Kilbride Arts Centre on Saturday 4th February and we have 3 Thursday nights at the Comedy Festival in March lined up.

It's been an entertaining ride. We started rehearsals in January in the middle of a snowstorm, fought our way through the grinding traffic on the hottest day of the year in July and braved the winds and rain of November.

We rehearsed in countless rooms, with the heating up full bung in summer and non existent in winter. We had venues changed at the last minute, we had bemused looks from barstaff unaware that we were rehearsing in the backroom of their pub. Got interupted by jannies and a string of folk looking for Alcoholics Anonymous.

To everyone who appeared or helped us out in some way thanks a lot. Dazza, Moira and Anne-Marie couldn't have done it without them and A-M did provide two of the filthier sketches in the show and indeed one of the biggest laughs, with Old Alec asking what was left behind after the burglary. Paul of course only did the two shows in March with us, but he was excellent and it was a shame he couldn't be more involved.

Tommy's help was invaluable, since we probably couldn't have got through the first show without him going to the lengths he did. Ronnie and The Ho, helped big time on the first show too. Thank you to Claire who did the door for us on the second night in March. Thanks to Cathy and Pauline who provided props and costumes through visiting charity shops, sewing and by letting us borrow and steal from them. For costumes we should also thank Derek, who may never see his wrestling gear ever again.

Jason extended his talents from lighting guy to bit part actor. Graeme sat through several boring hours to man the lights and sound in September. Chris came on board for less than a week in November and nailed the sound and lighting cues.

Thanks also to Lindsay for repeatedly doing flyers and e-flyers, even if occasionally she forgot to send them to me. Iain and his alter ego One Neck for his range of flyers and posters throughout the year. Nicola for commandeering a laptop from her flatmate to save us for September and enthusiastically sticking up posters and flyers for us, on a surprise evening out when she expected to be doing something a lot more exciting. Thanks to Bruce for advertising us over on Glasgow Theatre Underground and to Jo for rushing out to buy us last minute props.

And to anyone else that I've forgotten who has helped out or offered to help, thank you. Finally to everyone who came along to the shows, thanks a lot we hope you enjoyed them and that you'll come again next year.

The Beard Contest is Over!

In news as shocking as Roy Keane's departure The Beard Contest is over. Alasdair has sensationally thrown in the towel, declaring me the winner.

A bit of a hollow victory right enough as Al hasn't shaved, he just intends to. So below is the triumphant winner.

This is a Shock Eh?

Up there in the headline, I was of course talking about Roy Keane's 12pm departure from Manchester United. I don’t think anyone could claim to have expected that. We all knew he would be leaving at the end of the season, but for him to walk out in November is completely unexpected.

The next question is where does he go now? Celtic are the club being linked with him as they have been for several months. Personally I don’t think Celtic are ready at this point to delve into their pockets and hand Keane the kind of cash he’ll be looking for.

He may be looking for a lot less than he was on at Man United and with a hefty pay off from Old Trafford and a testimonial to come he might even be happy to accept a reduced signing on fee. However Celtic traditionally cock it up when they have the chance to snap up a big name. The biscuit tin mentality is never far away from Parkhead.

Manchester United’s statement is indicating that Keane will be signing for someone else on a long term contract and with Keane stating that he’ll never play for another Premiership team there’s few other candidates.

Personally I think he’ll end up at a continental side, if only until the end of the season. However having already played in the Champions League for United he’ll be cup-tied for that competition so may not be such an attractive proposition to the likes of Inter Milan and Barcelona.

Still with Roy Keane who knows what will happen. That’s the thing with Keano – he’s a total bam.

Showtime!

The fourth You Owe Me Glue is good to go. As you probably know tonight we're on in Blackfriars and we're as ready as we usually are round about this time.

As per usual it hasn't ran smoothly and we've had the odd wee hurdle to clear, but we're happy enough.

You won't have seen us listed in The List or anywhere else for that matter, not even on the chalkboard in Blackfriars' window. We're actually unsure if the staff know that we're on tonight.

If you're coming along, we're saying 8pm on the poster but it'll probably be between 8.30 and 9pm before we take to the stage. Come along it'll be a laugh.

It's Arrested Development...

It’s not been a great week for Rupert Murdoch (what a shame eh?) with his satellite station BskyB losing exclusive rights to the Premiership as of 2008.

His network Fox are also in danger of making a major cock up, by cancelling 5 time Emmy winning show Arrested Development, as Tom has already mentioned.

Fox have something of a tradition when it comes to cancelling much loved shows. They cancelled Family Guy before a spectacular climb down in the face of massive DVD sales forced a rethink.

Seth McFarlane’s Simpsons-esque cartoon became the first network show to be brought back to the air recently, although it’s still getting mucked about in terms of the schedules.

They also cancelled another favourite of mine, Firefly, after 11 episodes, having constantly moved it around while refusing to air the episodes in the correct order (!)

Now Arrested Development, the best American comedy since Seinfeld, is in danger with the 3rd season looking like it will air only 13 episodes.

The reason is money. None of these shows have a big TV audience, despite the obvious fact that they sell. Fox have failed to find the market that so obviously exists for the shows I’ve mentioned and have essentially failed to do their jobs properly. DVD sales of all three shows I’m talking about have been or are massive. The audience is there. Fox execs have failed to find it. Should they not be “cancelled” for failing to do their jobs?

Hollywood and the TV world used to be an industry; now it’s a business. The difference is that in industry, the first priority is production, selling your product is secondary. In business, it’s all about the bottom line.

Fox aren’t interested in Emmys and quality programming, they are interested in ad revenue and any show that doesn’t get it straight away is binned. Fuck the people who liked the show, there should have been more of you.

Like I say, the idiots who have failed to market Arrested Development correctly should be sacked. The evidence that they have screwed up is staring them in the face. Arrested Development sits and Numbers 1 and 4 in the Amazon best sellers list on DVD. Tens of thousands of people want to watch it.

I’m a bit more optimistic about the future of the show than Tom. I see a real future, as I’ve already said, in broadcasting shows on the internet. The technology is in place; all it needs is some brave producers and business people to take advantage. All you need is the show, a website and a fan base. It could be that simple.

Another feasible option is to produce the show straight to DVD. This model has worked for a number of artists including prog-rockers Marillion, whose fans pay for album production in advance via subscription to their website and are then credited in the sleeve notes on release. A deliciously simple and effective idea, no?

I hope the fans keep Arrested Development alive.

In the meantime, the axe set to fall on it has two meanings.

It represents the possible death of an innovative show but more significantly it gives another indication that TV networks are starting to lose control of the medium.

If you fail to embrace new technology and fail to market an obviously bankable commodity, you will fall behind and eventually die. Networks must get on top of this next stage in Television evolution or risk going the way of the dinosaur.

What Next for Arrested Development?

Here’s some more on the possible cancellation of Arrested Development. This article features an interview with Michael Cera who plays George Michael.

"It's nothing we haven't heard before," says Cera. "People have already been calling to comfort me that it's been cancelled."

There is no official word. Cera says even creator/executive producer Mitch Hurwitz, whom he spoke with this week, doesn't know the ultimate fate of the series yet. "We're always guessing," says Cera.

As for what the future holds if the show is cancelled, so far the fans have suggested An Arrested Development podcast; the series continuing as a DVD only show and an Off-Broadway production. The last one I like the sound of, but alas I think all of them are much too hopeful. Here’s how one fan thinks AD on the web would work.

Have a look at Amazon's DVD Top Sellers.

And here’s a rant by David Cross taken from the season two DVD bloopers about how poorly the show that has "won five motherfucking Emmys" is marketed.

Arrested Development at MySpace.

And while we’re on Mr. Cross, here’s the latest news on the Fake David Cross saga.

Save our Bluths!

Like No Other…

You may have already seen this wee film, which is being used to advertise Sony's new LCD TVs.

This to me is what’s wrong with the human race in microcosm.

Look what we can do. Look why we do it.

Oops!

We generally enjoy The Fiver, The Guardians “funny” football email they send out to subscribers.

But the following, published yesterday, just goes to show what happens when fools rush in.

"QUOTE OF THE DAY

"Do we know who would take the penalties for Australia? No. But we can guess. Depending on who's still on the pitch at the end of extra-time, it'll be Mark Viduka, John Aloisi, Harry Kewell, Marco Bresciano and, maybe, Brett Emerton" - Sydney Morning Herald columnist John Huxley's over-confidence provokes loud guffaws at Fiver Towers ahead of his country's World Cup elimination at the hands of Uruguay tomorrow morning."

Of course Australia won, on penalties.

Broken Flowers

I went to see Broken Flowers last night and can give it pass marks. Don’t expect a lot to happen in it however as it’s quite slow moving, but if you have an idea what to expect from Jim Jarmusch’s previous works then you should enjoy it.

Bill Murray is on good form as Don Johnston “That’s with a ‘T’” a man attempting to trace the writer of an anonymous letter telling him he has a 19 year old son, from his numerous former lovers.

With Bill Murray in every scene practically everyone else is restricted to cameo appearances, but there’s good turns from Sharon Stone and the excellent Frances Conroy from Six Feet Under. Jeffrey Wright puts in a nice performance as Winston his amateur detective neighbour.

If you like either Bill Murray or Jarmusch then you should enjoy this.

Eat Your Peas! Don't Stay Up Late! Don't Get Gay-Married!

George W Bush doesn’t listen to the American voter, but you know who else he doesn’t listen to? His third daughter! That’s right Flora Bush, the ‘third Bush twin’ is mad and she’s got her music to prove it.

With songs like Get out of Iraq (and my room) and Puppies and Landmines Flora means to be heard.

Hello, America. I'm Flora Bush, the daughter the President doesn't want you to know about-- because I'm a Democrat! And a punk! And I'm going to rock you with my new album, THE CHILD LEFT BEHIND!!!

Socceroos!

Congratulations to Australia, who will appear in a Word Cup for the first time since 1974 next year.

Having finally won a two-leg tie with Uruguay, I doubt many will fancy drawing a team featuring the likes of Cahill, Viduka, Kewell and Schwarzer.

The Socceroos aren’t going to be short of underdog company either, with Angola, Togo, The Ivory Coast, Ghana, Ecuador and Iran joining them, with either Bahrain or Trinidad coming as well.

The World Cup usually throws up some great mis-matches (and often some great shocks), but in terms of Global representation, this must be the best looking World Cup in a long time, and that ultimately is what it’s all about, even if the games money men would have it otherwise.

Let’s hope the likes of Angola et al do more than just make up the numbers. I’m sure they will.

Good on Yer

Australia have just made it through to the World Cup Finals after a 4-2 penalty shoot-out victory over Uruguay. This is the first time that The Soceroos will have been in the competition since 1974.

Faced with a much too easy qualifying group (wins running into double figures are not uncommon) they have routinely been scuppered by their play offs against countries from other continents. This time however after a 1-1 draw on aggregate John Aloisi's penalty has sealed their qualification. Keeper Mark Schwarzer made two saves in the shoot-out "This is one of the proudest saves of my life, the crowd is going absolutely beserk!"

Ironically from the next qualifying tournament on they will no longer be playing in the Oceania section, but in the Asian qualifying group. The idea being they would have a more realistic chance of qualifying and as a consequence New Zealand would then have a better shot of going through.

But for now the Aussies are through and I can't say I'm sorry to see Uruguay not be there after this comment from midfielder Alvaro Recoba yesterday.

"We're a big country with a big past and we've got a right to play. Uruguay has a divine right to play. Uruguay is Uruguay."

Page 3

Here’s a good article from The Guardian about The Sun’s page 3 and the changing attitudes to it. Notice that I have not taken the opportunity to illustrate the link here with a photograph of a topless lady.

These Are Jokes Reviewed

Chortle have reviewed Demetri Martin's These Are Jokes, currently running at the Soho Theatre in London.

Although on the whole a good review, it does include pish like this...

"Such delivery treats each gag as an exhibit to be venerated, like a work of art behind a Perspex case which you should contemplate intellectually from all angles. The laughs mostly come from well-deserved admiration, rather than any connection on a more fundamental emotional level."

He deconstructed the use of a theatre curtain when I saw him as well, though I never thought him genuinely baffled.

Classic Ingerland

I’m no England fan but I have to say their impressive win over Argentina last Saturday was one of the more entertaining matches I have seen in a long time.

But the English media have done their usual and have turned the friendly win into “proof” England are going to walk the World Cup, a couple of short months after they were all no-hopers having lost 1-0 to Northern Ireland.

The BBC even had Sir Geoff Hurst on their sports bulletin with the World Cup trophy this morning, just in case we all hadn't got the message.

Reality check folks, this England team ain’t winning a thing.

Ok, they won on Saturday against a very good team, but those two late Michael Owen goals rather gloss over the fact that England were outplayed for most of the match by a vastly superior technical side.

The standout players, apart from the terrific Wayne Rooney were all Argies. Richelme, Tevez, Maxi Rodriguez and Sorin were the players who contributed most of the dash and flair to the game, providing an exhibition of passing and movement few European sides could match.

England’s tactic of getting the ball early to Rooney won’t work against a team with quick centre backs. Argentina’s obvious weakness was exposed to good effect certainly but they can’t rely on the boy wonder having a blinder 8 games in a row.

And this is England’s problem and the reason they won’t win. They do have a very good side, but in a run of 8 matches they will always chuck in a Northern Ireland performance.

Even if they do play consistently, they have Brazil, Holland, Argentina, Italy and the Czech Republic (almost certainly) to deal with. They might just get beaten on the day by a better team.

One things for sure, it’s going to be annoying. We all know that the press will be acting as if the trophy is already won until that almost inevitable quarter final gubbing is handed out.

Given that Scotland won’t be there, England’s ignominious exit is the “World Cup moment” we’re all already looking forward to the most.

Beard Contest Weeks Six and Seven

I’ve not updated the beard contest for a couple of weeks, so here is two helpings of beards. It’s still neck and neck (so to speak) between Alasdair and myself. I think Young Al expects me to shave for Friday’s show, but I’m prepared to go all out with this one. I’ll take this into the new year if he makes me.

Down below we have weeks 6 and 7 of our beards.

In other beard related news Ronnie is involved in a whole bigger contest over at Whiskerino. This one started on the 1st of November and Ronnie was a late starter. You can check his progress here.

The End of Arrested Development?

This is some pretty bad news for us fans of Arrested Development. Fox have cut the show’s order from 22 episodes to 13. Last year it was cut from 22 to 18. The axe looks once again ready to fall. Fox say that they had never agreed to air 22 episodes, but to only commission 14-22 if the viewing figures were good. And of course they haven’t been.

This really sickens me as it’s easily the best sitcom since Seinfeld and The Simpsons. Every episode has a season’s worth of gags packed into it. Every character has their own story thread, not one of them is filler, every character has their own unique personality, no lines of dialogue could be switched between characters as each one is so perfectly drawn.

I’ve recently taken receipt of season two on DVD and it’s so easy to watch 3 or 4 episodes in one sitting.

Here’s a good article on the fans who are already mourning the loss of the show and what happens next, including news of a potential saviour. And it’s not HBO.

And here’s a couple of rants about it.

Calvin and Hobbes Slideshow Essay

Here’s an article on Calvin and Hobbes, which links to a slideshow essay that includes a lot of panels from the cartoons. Including some from the classic raccoon story.

'Not in my Name, Tony'

There is an excellent article in today's Guardian about the London bombings and the media's manipulation of images from that day. Mainly The Sun's manipulation of images from that day.

Demetri Interview

Chortle have a readers' questions interview with Demetri Martin up. Though to be honest the questions are mainly awful. It's the dullest interview with him I've ever read.

Weekend at the Movies

At the weekend I saw some films. First up was Murderball a documentary about wheelchair rugby. I don’t know if I would call it uplifting, but when you see how determined these guys are, after what they’ve all been through, it makes you feel quite petty moaning about your own trivialities.

The movie centres on the rivalry between the US and Canadian teams. However it doesn’t hold on to the sporting drama as the focus tends to turn to the personal relationships and trials of the guys in the teams.

Joe Soares the Canadian coach is one of the standout characters. A US wheelchair rugby legend he flipped when he was left out of the side and went off to coach Canada. His mission now is to beat America at all costs. He comes across as a bit of a nutcase and a guy disliked by most folk.

Although the film could be seen as being hard going in places, it’s well worth seeing as it tells a worthwhile story entertainingly.

The other film I saw was Thumbsucker. Based on the novel by Walter Kern it’s the directorial debut of music vids (Sonic Youth, Beastie Boys, Air & Moby) director Mike Mills, Thumbsucker centres on a precocious 17 year old boy as he struggles through school and relationships.

I think the most obvious comparisons to draw would be with Donnie Darko or Rushmore.

Lou Taylor Pucci is the Thumbsucker in question with Kelli Garner his young love interest.

It features a great performance from Tilda Swinton as his Mother well as Vincent D’Onofrio as his Dad, Keanu Reeves and Vince Vaughn as his teacher. Don’t let Keanu’s performance put you off. Jo was dreading his appearance, but she came away thinking that he was all right in it. Though his orthodontist character is supposed to be a bit of a dick.

I would be giving it away if I said too much but my favourite bits were the Power Animals and ‘Thanks for saving my ass,’ a great cameo from Benjamin Bratt. It also has a fine soundtrack from The Polyphonic Spree and Elliott Smith.

Here's an article from The Guardian about how hard it was to get the film funded.

More on the Fake David Cross

The Fake David Cross story takes another twist as a photograph of the impostor is posted. However he appears to look more like Tobias Funke, Cross’s character on Arrested Development. I don’t think he tends to go round looking like the repressed homosexual he plays on a TV series.

If you have a look at the AD photo on the post below you'll notice that there's also a fake GOB.

Little Britain And Other Piss Takes

I’m just reading that the person who commissioned Little Britain never bothered listening to their radio show before giving the show the green light.

Great stuff eh? Nice to see that BBC mandarins are taking their jobs so seriously.

It’s good news for us of course. Since no-one capable of doing anything for us has bothered to come and see the show, it can only be a matter of time before we're commissioned ourselves. Maybe we should stop asking people from the Comedy Unit and the BBC to come along, thus further enhancing our chances.

Another thing that’s been annoying me.

I’ve been wrestling with a bit of guilt about downloading TV shows from the internet lately. I understand that my actions cause in a very small way, problems for the makers of the programmes I enjoy.

But something made me feel absolved this morning. I was checking the UK release date for the second season of US sit-com Arrested Development on Play and discovered it is due out on the 30th of January 2006. This is almost a year after it was first broadcast.

Why?

Why in the digital age do British viewers have to wait this ridiculous amount of time to be able to purchase a show that was available to other consumers a year earlier?

The BBC are running Season 2 at the moment, just as US fans are getting to see season 3.

Am I to be a good little consumer and wait until what, March 2007 to see Arrested Development Season 3? Or do I just download it from the net the day of or the day after broadcast? You do the math.

The thing is, I would be more than willing to pay to download US TV shows legally if such a service existed and while many pay-to-download TV services are just about up and running, for once the giant corporations are miles behind the masses. Demand and supply are poles apart.

TV companies have been remarkably slow to realise that they are playing in a global market. For once, the fat cats seem to have missed a trick and must be kicking themselves at the money they are losing right now in legal downloads if only they had gotten their shit together.

They will eventually of course, but in the meantime I’m not going to be treated like a second class customer. Why should I, especially when I’m able to do something about it?

Insane Hearts Appointment

You can practically hear the chanting now.

Having sacked a manager who had led an unbeaten side to the top of the league, beating Rangers and drawing at Celtic Park in the process as well as sacking his chief executive and losing his chairman, Hearts de facto owner Vladimir Romanov has delivered on his promise to bring in a world class name as the new man in charge.

Except he totally hasn’t. Having installed his son Roman (34, looks 12) as the new chairman and Chief Exec, they have given the first team reigns to former Chelsea coach Graham Rix, a convicted sex offender recently sacked by Oxford United for being rubbish.

The jokes about who will be appointed Director of Football are rife already. Ian Huntley? Ian Brady? The Yorkshire Ripper?

And people say the SPL isn’t entertaining.

The Fake David Cross

This is an odd story that’s been running around New York recently. Apparently David Cross has an impersonator who is telling girls he’s him in order to get free drinks and some lovin’.

The Real David Cross or is it The Fake David Cross has contacted a website in order to let people know how they can tell the two apart.

Add to this the guy who is currently attempting to sue him and it's not adding up to a good time for the Arrested Development funnyman.

Jeff Garlin

I've not blogged today so just quickly here's an interview with Larry David's 'agent' Jeff Garlin.

Glue Poster

As you can see from the picture above we have a new poster for the November show. Iain has done a cracking job and this might be his best work for us yet.

I asked him to draw some of the characters in the show, since people are beginning to identify with us and the show. So he's drawn Wrestler Guy, The 2 Gay Dads, The Moth and up at the top there Bertie the Happy Bunny.

Tickets are also now on sale from the SECC.

"He’s a liar, a home wrecker and a fanny.”

I said it last December and I'll say it again...

Banana Blog

Just cos I'm sure that no one checks it of their own accord, I'm letting you know that there's a new story on the Cheery Bananas site.

Community Wiki

Ronnie has started a 160676.net Community Wiki. We at ‘Pish are involved, though I’m not sure yet how it all works. Why not go over and have a look?